kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
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Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Reporter: *ports again*
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.