man: wait
time: no
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Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.