Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
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[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Life is a suicide mission.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman