I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
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guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
do what now??
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”