Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
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“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
i baked you a cake
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
me and who
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*