The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
damn he’s good
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards