you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
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me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live