[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Every time.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.