me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
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I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
just having fun
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.