A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
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I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next