Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
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The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂