My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
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Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I’m sure it’s fine.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am