Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
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My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
(Electricians.)
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Cinematography is my passion
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Trying
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety