Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
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[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Basketball
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.