Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
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Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
*serious situation*
My brain: