Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
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Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Raisins are grape jerky.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.