I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
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Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
🤣
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before