*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
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Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
The news
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice