“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
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Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Friends that check up on you >
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it