I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
You Might Also Like
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
definitely did not do anything wrong
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.