Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.