waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
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My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
That eye roll….
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
What number SPF blocks people?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
You are not alone 💚
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.