Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
You Might Also Like
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
✌️
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever