I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
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The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
figuring out my emotional availability:
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My daily affirmation
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.