Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
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Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Kids, do not try this at home!
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Sign of the day..
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.