I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
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My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
When you’re here for the treats.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?