How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
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Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
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Me: Same
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
#Caturday
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”