Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
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If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.