before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
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Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT