rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
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“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
next question.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
[on my way back to the posting caves]
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.