[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
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I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?