Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
You Might Also Like
the council will decide your fate
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
me after eating Cheetos
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!