If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
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Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.