I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Not today.. 😂
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
That took me a moment.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.