Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
2022 be like
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger