Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
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Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I am, perchance
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
The only equipped I am is ill.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?