Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
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Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Every house has this drawer
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.