[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
You Might Also Like
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.