Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
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Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Time for evil
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.