Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
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5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
yeet
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts