Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
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BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
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[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Risking my life for fun.