“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
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So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…