Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
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Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I think my mom just blocked me
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..