Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
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HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.