a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
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Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Thoughts
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.