Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
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What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.