*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
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Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time