I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
we’re dead?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.