I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
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[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Cat.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
X-tra spooky blend
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY