Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.